15 Best Places for Writers to Retire

What writer wouldn’t want to live on “Ernest Heming Way”? We love the irony or whatever it is. Nobody really knows what irony means. Anyway, as I approach the official retirement age for normal people who dress for work every morning, I wondered about the best places a writer might spend his golden years.

After studying important amenities like cost of living, transportation, hospitals, nearby saloons, ink-supply stores, and private places to cry, I settled on a mostly trustworthy and modestly credible list of real American towns where elderly scribblers, word-slingers, and ink-stained wretches would feel right at home. (Well, maybe not poets. They’re strange.)

15. PARADOX, CO: Because what job are writers retiring from exactly? They already stay home all day, fergawdsakes. That’s a paradox, which is different from an irony.

The Paradox CO office supply store that can order ink and stuff

14. BOOK, LA: No brainer.

13. WEST BABYLON, NY: Not really a writer thing. A place called Babylon just seems like a fun place to grow old.

12. RECLUSE, WY: Sometimes a writer just wants to be left alone.

10-11. HELL FOR CERTAIN, KY, and SATAN’S KINGDOM, VT: Because that’s where a lot of writers gather for cocktails after retirement ends.

9. JOT-EM-DOWN, TX: Writers often tell themselves they’ll remember all their brilliant thoughts. They don’t … and it gets worse after retirement. Carry a notebook, doofus! At least the city-limits sign here will remind you to take notes.

8. IMALONE, WI: Yes, you are. Just read your Amazon reviews.

I was going to say something nice about Jot-Em-Down TX but I forgot. I guess I should …

7. BORING, MD: Again, read your Amazon reviews.

5-6. WHY, AZ, and WHY NOT, NC: If you dither endlessly about stuff like Arial vs. Helvetica, you should consider splitting your time between these two retirement towns. Or not.

4. CLIMAX, GA: Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s the most dramatic moment in a story. Geez.

3. UNCERTAIN, TX: A perfect place for every unpublished writer who ever asked, “What should I do first: Write the actual book or have a good idea?”

Nothing ever happens in Boring MD so retired writers can make it up as they go

2. DIFFICULT, TN: No? You try to write a romantic scene using the word “fuscous,” butthead.

1. WISDOM, TX: Because, well, you chose to be a writer and that means you’re not familiar with Wisdom.

If any of these places appeal to you, I suggest writing to the Chamber of Commerce for a brochure. They probably won’t respond, but they’ll judge your spelling and grammar.