What writer wouldn’t want to live on “Ernest Heming Way”? We love the irony or whatever it is. Nobody really knows what irony means. Anyway, as I approach the official retirement age for normal people who dress for work every morning, I wondered about the best places a writer might spend his golden years.
After studying important amenities like cost of living, transportation, hospitals, nearby saloons, ink-supply stores, and private places to cry, I settled on a mostly trustworthy and modestly credible list of real American towns where elderly scribblers, word-slingers, and ink-stained wretches would feel right at home. (Well, maybe not poets. They’re strange.)
15. PARADOX, CO: Because what job are writers retiring from exactly? They already stay home all day, fergawdsakes. That’s a paradox, which is different from an irony.
14. BOOK, LA: No brainer.
13. WEST BABYLON, NY: Not really a writer thing. A place called Babylon just seems like a fun place to grow old.
12. RECLUSE, WY: Sometimes a writer just wants to be left alone.
10-11. HELL FOR CERTAIN, KY, and SATAN’S KINGDOM, VT: Because that’s where a lot of writers gather for cocktails after retirement ends.
9. JOT-EM-DOWN, TX: Writers often tell themselves they’ll remember all their brilliant thoughts. They don’t … and it gets worse after retirement. Carry a notebook, doofus! At least the city-limits sign here will remind you to take notes.
8. IMALONE, WI: Yes, you are. Just read your Amazon reviews.
7. BORING, MD: Again, read your Amazon reviews.
5-6. WHY, AZ, and WHY NOT, NC: If you dither endlessly about stuff like Arial vs. Helvetica, you should consider splitting your time between these two retirement towns. Or not.
4. CLIMAX, GA: Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s the most dramatic moment in a story. Geez.
3. UNCERTAIN, TX: A perfect place for every unpublished writer who ever asked, “What should I do first: Write the actual book or have a good idea?”
2. DIFFICULT, TN: No? You try to write a romantic scene using the word “fuscous,” butthead.
1. WISDOM, TX: Because, well, you chose to be a writer and that means you’re not familiar with Wisdom.
If any of these places appeal to you, I suggest writing to the Chamber of Commerce for a brochure. They probably won’t respond, but they’ll judge your spelling and grammar.